Listening to Tennessee from the soundtrack of Pearl Harbor.
I used to listen to this song when I, for the first time in years, actually gave my all to something. I tried my best, I studied from 9 am to 9 pm for a month. It was not enough and I knew it from the beginning, but I didn't care. I gave it my everything to see how for it could take me.
I wrote encouraging messages to myself on the last pages of a physics notebook. I wrote "Oot tullut kauas siitä ihmisrauniosta joka olit vuosia, ehkä jopa kuukausia, sitten". I don't know if I have. I think I've gone backwards.
I wish I had the strenght to want something, to be true to myself for a change. I'm too afraid to even think about what I truly want so I resort to wanting to lose weight.
Today I came to the university and had lunch here for the first time in a while. I came to realize how much I would like to enjoy a sokerimunkki with a friend some day and not worry about it.
Every once in a while I get a glimpse of a dream that I once had. The biggest one I have ever had.It had been there for as long as I could remember. Eventually it escaped from me. I don't know if it still is there somewhere. At least thinking of it makes me want to cry. I'm tired of not trying.
I'm tired of everything.
